I am not an über-logical man but, I do consider myself a pretty reasonable man. However, even as I reasonable man, I must confess that sometimes I don’t understand my wife at all. Early on in our marriage, there was a time where I could not comprehend certain feelings that my wife expressed. Not only did I not comprehend her feelings, in fact, I thought it was unreasonable to feel the way she did. I just could not put myself in her shoes and understand how or why she was feeling the way she did. In essence, I did not accept the way she was feeling. I assumed that it was not possible to feel that particular way about the issue at hand. As you can imagine, this was not very helpful posture on my part. And my attitude definitely did not help us move forward in our relationship. In fact we had reached an impasse in our marriage. By not acknowledging how my wife felt, there was no base for us to have a constructive conversation.
That year I learned an important lesson: Even though I might not understand my wife’s feelings, nonetheless they are a reality that I need to acknowledge and try to understand.
I am thankful to God that I came to my senses and learned this lesson. In order to be a good and loving husband I had to learn to acknowledge her feelings and try to understand them in the best way that I could. Once I was able to acknowledge her feelings it changed our relationship. Suddenly we were able to talk constructively about this issue. We were able to get past the impasse and move forward in our marriage.
I believe that this relational impasse that my wife and I experienced is similar to the relational impasse between the Evangelical community and the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) community. Andrew Marin addresses this relational impasse between these two communities in his book, Love is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay community. Marin describes himself as “a straight, white, conservative, Bible-believing, evangelical male.” Who “was raised in a Christian home in a conservative suburb of Chicago and grew up in a large evangelical church. And … [who] wanted absolutely nothing to do with the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) community.” (16) However, within a period of three months, three of his best friends “came out” and told him about their sexual orientation. Nothing in his upbringing had prepared him for this. According to himself, his initial response to his friends was mainly self-pity. He got to the point, where he made the conscious choice of immersing himself in the GLBT community. The book is written from his personal experience and life’s mission to build a bridge between the GLBT community and Evangelical churches.
One of his fundamental arguments throughout the book is that most Evangelical Christians do not understand how people in the GLBT community feel. He states, “The Christian community has only ever known one way to handle same-sex sexual behavior: take a stand and keep a distance. Productive dialogue comes from cognitive insight and can only be accomplished through an incarnational posture of humility and living as a learner.” (37) In essence he applies missiological principals for cross cultural missions as a starting point for Evangelical Christians to bridge the existing gap with the GLBT community. One of these principals is immersion in a new culture (i.e. the GLBT community) and the first step is listening and learning.
Immersion means to put oneself into the other shoe as far as that is possible. Most Evangelicals don’t understand how gays and lesbians feel. They can’t imagine what it is like to have feelings for the same sex. Marin points out “that right from the gate Christians can’t relate. Unless you have been sexually attracted to someone of the same sex you can never fully grasp, as a heterosexual Christian, what that means. So don’t pretend like you know, because that is the quickest way to lose credibility in a GLBT person’s mind.” (33) Throughout his book Marin does a great job of helping outsiders from the GLBT community understand what it feels like “to first realize you have a same-sex attraction: the thoughts, questions and issues that all quickly arise without being able to find any definitive answers.” (33) One of the feelings, particularly related to the Christian community is fear – fear or rejection. Marin describes nine such fears:
1. How can I possibly relate to Christians in a church environment?
2. Will Christians always look at me as just gay?
3. Will I be able to be like everyone else in church activities and groups?
4. Do they think that homosexuality is a special sin?
5. Do they believe that I chose to be like this?
6. Do they think that I’m going to hit on them?
7. Do they think that I’m going to abuse their children?
8. Are they scared that I’m going to infect them with an STD or HIV/AIDS?
9. When will I be rejected and kicked out? (31-32)
These fears are barriers that are almost impossible to bridge if we don’t learn how people in the GLBT community feel.
Most of the times Evangelicals react to the GLBT community the way I reacted to my wife’s feelings: I could not understand the way she was feeling and simply disregarded them. I failed to acknowledge the reality of her feelings. In the same way, this lack of understanding and disregarding the GLBT communities feelings has lead, amongst other reasons, Evangelicals and GLBT community to an impasse. Just like my wife and I could not move forward in our relationship without me acknowledging the reality of her feelings, likewise Evangelicals and the GLBT community cannot move forward in friendship and conversation if the GLBT community’s feelings are not acknowledged.
Without taking the first step in bridge building between Evangelical Churches and the GLBT community we leave the GLBT community “to search for God without the body of Christ to assist them, encourage them and validate their human existence as children of God.” (21)
I am curious to hear of positive relationship building between the GLBT community and Evangelical Christians. Please share your story.
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